Getting Better...Sometimes

There are some days that I seem to be like my old self and then BAM! something will set me off course (usually sound, light or trying to remember something) and the day goes rapidly downhill.

I was really struggling to read a page about  posting on Pinterest 2 days ago and my mind was really trying hard to remember what I read, but I could not.     Just 2 or 3 paragraphs later and I could not remember!

This memory issue is driving me insane!

And the headaches!   The headaches have been brutal between Keppra medications.

They put me on Effexor and in just 2 weeks, I had to come off it as it was giving me a headache that began at the back of my head and extended to up behind my ears.     So now I still had the afternoon headache, although it came in the morning and I was so exhausted I could not function.

damn it.

When will this end?

I got a call from the insurance company last week and they want me to have another neuropsychological examination and I am excited about this as it will reveal any improvements I've made since the last one.

I know there is some improvement.  I just wish there was more.

We met my husband's cousin and his wife for lunch today at the Cracker Barrel and we were out on the rocking chairs and after about 30 minutes (wearing earplugs) I could not stay any longer.   I was getting extremely agitated by the sounds and started to feel nauseous.     Ugh.

this sucks.

I Thought I Could Adjust Easier to the World....I Was Wrong

Surviving with a traumatic brain injury is all about anticipation and planning an escape route should the lights and sounds get to be too much for you.    I am getting to be a good planner!



We went to Massachusetts last week to celebrate hubby's birthday with his family.    We are Italian, so it stands to reason the party would be loud.   I arranged to have it outside at a nieces pool, hoping that the sounds would not effect me.

I was wrong.

It wasn't too bad at the beginning, but after awhile my head felt like I was being assaulted by sound.  Laughter, talking, splashing in the pool, music, more laughter.    

I loved being there.  I hated being there.


Then home to my sister's house where her tv was on 32!   I spent most of the time there locked away in the bedroom so I could get away from the noise in the house.

Next time, I will speak up louder and will talk with her about this.

A Butterfly Brings My Challenges Clearly Into View

I sat outside for 2 hours today.  Initially, my mind was racing with the thoughts of things I wanted to do today, tomorrow and beyond.  And then, I forgot about those things and watched a butterfly who happened to be flying just a few feet from me.

And I wondered.....

Have you ever watched a butterfly as it flies against the wind? Its wings flutter mightily as it struggles to stay the course to its destination. Sometimes, the slightest breeze will push the butterfly off its course. The butterfly continues fluttering its wings, knowing it must, if it is to survive the flight. 

After several attempts to fly at that altitude, an amazing thing happens. Thebutterfly changes course, either ascending or descending an inch or two, and it flies along THAT course until it reaches its destination. Success!

While I would not presume to understand what, if anything, that butterfly is thinking as it struggles against that win,, what I do know is it keeps trying until it succeeds.

Today, I am that butterfly.

Cleaning up my Bedroom

Ok...here is something I never thought would happen.  I did several loads of wash yesterday and after they were dried, I placed them my bed to take care of later.

Later never came, so I put them in a corner, on the floor and went to bed.

Today when I woke up and saw them there I was confused as I did not know what I had to do to get them out of there.

What?

Exactly where do I put all those clothes?  Where did they come from?

This doesn't make any sense.   And I have more clothes to wash today and where will they go?

I know I should know this, but I do not.  

I Feel as if I am going Crazy

These episodes of rage and disorientation are coming more frequently now. One minute I seem perfectly fine, then the next minute, I feel as though I am spinning and I get angry and have to remove myself from the situation I am in.

Tonight it started when I was listening to my grandson tell a story. I realized as he was telling it that I missed the first part of it and I tried to 'catch up' but was unable to. So I missed it.  I was feeling badly about that.

Then he asked me for some milk. Not politely, sort of in a 'get me some milk kind of way'.    I snapped at him, asking him "what did you just ask me?"...and I could see he was shocked...and as I finished talking so was I.  I think I managed to blow it over, but dammit, why did it happen?

I began becoming overwhelmed at the clean up we had to do, yet my son had done a lot of it prior to leaving.  I felt agitated, overwhelmed, and began having shortness of breath.  I was trying to do something on the computer and lost track of what I was doing and felt like throwing the lap top across the room.

The headache is getting bad.   Time for tylenol and an Ativan because I can't have more Keppra for several hours. I am mad at the dog, mad at myself, mad at my husband.....and he's done nothing to make me mad at him.

I hate this person I have become inside. It's as if my brain belongs to someone else.

I can't relax.

I am no longer who I once was.

I am ... no one.

Sheer Hell in my Head...and it IS all in my head.

I am now one year from my original concussion on 5/23/13. I've sustained a total of 4 concussions over a period of 11 months.

Today was a busy day.   I did the following.  My husband drives me everywhere.

1. got up at 6 a.m. and took the puppy out
2. 6:30 fed the puppy
3. 7:00 had some yogurt and granola and a piece of  pumpernickle toast for breakfast.
4. Got dressed
5. Took puppy to the vet for post spay check up (all is clear)
6. Came home and began collecting information from past vets visits to get ready for reimbursement.   I found everything, but did not really understand it all.
7. Worked on my car registration process.
8. Looked for memes for a friend's website.
9. looked into possibly opening a website (no way i can now, but want to secure a name)
10. Helped grandson with math, reading and spelling homework. 
11. My grandson speaks like any other 8 yr old...too loudly!
12. The dog was tearing at the underside of the couch... we flipped the couch up and cut the underside away so there is nothing left to tear.
13. Rearranged living room furniture
14. Vacuumed floors
15. Tried to watch tv with grandson...dog was barking... husband was just saying 'stop it stop it' but not doing anything about it .    I snapped.
16. I could not take it any longer. I grabbed the dog on the leash, lifted her up off the ground and put her in the sunroom with me. I slammed a full glass door. I would not tl   I lay on the lounge chair for 20 minute trying to get my brain to relax. It did not.
17. I lay in bed for 30 minutes with ear plugs in my ears and a sleep mask on .   I was crying. I could not control any emotion.
18. Son came and got grandson.
19. Apologized to hubby for being so unstable.
20. we were to go out to eat but he made me pasta here instead.  it's my comfort food. it helped.
21. about 1.5 hrs later  I was calm again.  and exhausted.

i still have balance issues.  still have crying, ears ringing, slowed thinking, lost words, anger issues, short term memory issues, amnesia .... this is not going well.  at all.

Speech Therapy, Neurologist Visit, and Upcoming Neuropsychological visit

5/6/14

Speech therapy is coming along well.  I am remembering a few words on a list and have developed new strategies for reading.  I get blaring headaches from reading as I can't understand the words when they are so jumbled up (due to my eyes).  

I saw the neurologist on 5/7 and he sees some improvement, but minimal.  He has once again told me no driving but said If I had to in an emergency where time counts (such as we are out in the woods and hubby got shot and I was only one around to drive) then that would be ok.    This will be up for discussion again in Nov.

He told me to go on Magnesium and I will get these. He's told me that each time I've struck my head, I've done more damage and it is why I am having so many issues. 

I saw Dr. C's neurologist boss and he told me 'these things take time'..u are on the right path.

I feel like i will never work again. I can't remember things from minute to minute sometimes.

these days, life sucks.

I Almost Went Postal at the Post Office Today

We went to the post office today to mail out cookies for our son.   Simple enough.

The cost was $21 for 2 day shipping or $14 for 6 day shipping.        As they were cookies and cakes I thought they'd hold up and was going to say "$14" when my hubby said "$21."    The postal clerk says "That's what I like to see...a man who spends money".  This did not set well with me as it  implied that if one did not spend money.... they were less than the man that would.

But I let that slide.

I ran my card through to pay for it and I saw it go through, but no receipt printed so he said "run card thru again".

Me:   No, I want to know that it did not go through

Him:   Just do what the machine says.

Me: No, I paid for it and it went through. I want a receipt.

Him:  Someone has to pay for it.

Me :  Then let the person behind us pay for the amount as we already have.

Hubby:  Just do it again.

I was infuriated beyond belief and did it again and had planned on coming right home to see how much had been removed from our account, but of course, I forgot.

I was so embarrassed by my encounter with the guy and my tone and accusations.   I was in tears.

What is wrong with me?  Could this be the meds. This is not like me.

I am hearing the sounds in my head (ringing) again.

April 26, 2014

The Secret of Change is to Focus All of Your Energy Not on Fighting the Old, But Building the New!...Socrates

I am focusing all my energy on building the new me. And boy does it take a lot of energy!

Energy to keep on going when I want to quit.
Energy to keep my scattered brain on task.
Energy to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Energy to make list upon list.... sometimes a list reminding me to look at other lists.
Energy to ride the recumbent bike every other day.

But I am surviving and improving...a little bit at a time. My balance skills are much improved. And so are my headaches, thanks to Keppra.

Instead of telling God how big my problems are, I'm telling my problems how big my God is. I may not get back to 100% of who I was previously, but who cares? As long as the loving, spiritual, fun loving me survives....and she has.... that is all I will need to get me through all of this.

A coworker and friend called me tonight and she lifted my spirits high.

I am blessed.

Am I Developing Amnesia?

Yesterday was Easter and hubby was talking with some friends about a restaurant we'd been to recently.   I vehemently denied ever having set foot in that restaurant.
He let the topic drop after I was so adamant about it.

Today we drove to the restaurant and nothing about the outside of it was familiar. Neither was the inside waiting area.... yet when I went in further I was in the bakery room and I remembered being there.   No doubt about it I was in that bakery and even remembered singing a Beatles song there to myself...but I have no memory of the dining room or anywhere else except for the bakery.  

What is happening to me?

This caused me great fear as what If I've forgotten anything else.

Fell Again - In the Movie Theater

We took our grandson to see "Heaven is for Real". (he's convinced!)

The lights didn't come on for a long time after the movie, So I got up to walk down the 2 steps I had counted when we went up the stairs.  Unfortunately, there were 3 steps s I went flying and stumbling down the last step and onto the floor directly on my buttocks.   The reverberations up my spine were immense.  

I fell backwards but did not hit my head. My left arm and wrist hurt, but no worse than they did the last time I got hurt.  As I did not hurt my head, I refused the offer for an ambulance (and I did not want to frighten my grandson further).

so many falls.  so many balance issues.  

so tired.

I just want to disappear from life sometimes.

February was one hellva month

The month of February was thankfully short.  I fell 5 times...yes 5 times, in February. I went to the hospital only one of those 5 times, but could have easily gone each time as I was hurt each time.

I hurt my knees, my wrists, elbows, shoulders.

Ok world.    KNOCK IT OFF.

I'm going to keep on getting up and I am going to be ok.

Funny thing is, I fell twice after being released from physical therapy for balance issues.

I think my bp is still off and I'm going to call my new pcp and new heart doc this week for appointments.

I'm so sick of doctors I could cry...but I don't know what else to do.

I Just Need Time

3/2/14

I need to do our taxes.   I went to the TurboTax website and realized I don't always grasp what they are asking me.  This is quite disturbing because they SEEM like easy enough questions, and in previous years, I've done our taxes in under 30 minutes.

This year I am procrastinating.

I don't want to ask for help, but I need it.

Sometimes, when I ask for help here I get a sigh and then he looks very 'put upon'.

At this point in time, I cannot think any clearer or faster than I am.

At this time I know that you think that rushing me along helps, but  it does not.

What happens when you attempt to rush me or interrupt me is you interrupt an already slow though process. And this doesn't help me at all.

I can't always "hear" what you are saying because I am still working on what you said one or two sentences ago.   I am using all my brain power to make sense of what is being asked of me or what was just said.     At this time I don't have the ability to give a quick one liner or give you a quick answer....it takes me a few seconds to come up with an 'immediate' response.

It would be better if my family asks me if I need help or if I'm stuck.  Then I can tell you.

I think I need to ask for help with my taxes.

See? This blog is helping me. :)

I Fell Again!

Today coming in from walking my puppy I bent over to put a bag down and lost my balance. I was able in mid fall to turn my body just a bit so my head did not hit the little tree/bush I fell into.

Unfortunately, one of the branches cut through my pants and into my skin and it's so sore.

I did not hit my head.

Something is wrong, but I don't know what.  I am not getting dizzy like before, but this is the 5th fall this month!

Another Fall

I just fell over today when I bent down to give my puppy a treat. Luckily I didn't hit my head, but I really hurt my right knee.

I managed to get up before my husband got home.

I hate this.

Another Fall, Another Hurt

2/18/14
I was outside today pushing snow off our walkway with a shovel.   When I put the shovel away I took a step backwards, slipping on some snow covered ice and fell against the cement landing hard on my right side.  My grandchildren were here and I know this scared them.  It took awhile to get me up.  I injured my elbow (another bruise) and my hip (bruise).  I did not hit my head,

When my son came in and I told him what happened he was really upset (as was I).   I wanted to show him a piece of paper for a conference call on Thursday and he said "I don't want to talk to you now"....and I said "what did you say?"

He repeated that and went on and on about how I should not be shoveling.  Then he said "don't you think when you do these things they have an effect on others?" "What happens when you fall?"   I said today's fall did not have an effect on him as I was ok and had not hit my head.  I had a bruised elbow and hip and that was it.

He still refused to talk, then changed his mind and was yelling about the snow and me not shoveling. I told him if his father had done it, I'd not have had to do it....and was about to tell him that I wasn't even shoveling when I fell....but he just ranted and raved and I walked away.  I was overwhelmed with the noise and the negative energies he was projecting.  He never gave me a chance to explain.

I am Shocked. ... Hurt.  Devasted that he refused to talk to me. Devestated that he talked to me in that tone of voice.  I am hurt beyond anything my 2 husbands ever did to me.

Nothing has made me feel the way I feel now.

And I have no escape from here. I can't drive, no where to walk, no one to call, no one to talk to.

No one to work out the 10 step with me ...because it was always my son.  He was my rock.    And now he refuses to talk to me.

I have been crying for 3 hours straight and the tears just keep flowing.

But fuck it. I am not going to be a victim in this.   I am NOT a victim.

And I am not wrong either.       I have no intention of talking to him until he comes here and talks to me. I will not call him. I am so hurt.

He broke his mother's heart.  Shame on him.

It's Been Awhile and A Lot Has Gone On

It's been awhile since I've written here and I actually think that is a good thing because I am not so focused on my head pain and the other post concussive syndrome symptoms I am dealing with.

My son bought me the most beautiful puppy, a Maltichon, for Christmas.   I named her Bella.  She was just under 3 months then.  She's  now just over 4 months and has been taking a considerable amount of my time and energy as I train her to become a Therapy Dog.

Training Bella has been difficult in that I can't just read something and do it....I have to watch videos and rerun them a couple of times to grasp the concept.    This is due  to the cognitive processing issues I've had since my first concussion. (as of Monday, February 10, I now have 3 concussions).

I have completed physical therapy for balance issues and now attend speech therapy for the memory and cognitive issues I have.     I am still having problems remembering things and still get so me pretty brutal headaches for which I take Keppra, 500mg, 2 x a day.  It's an anti-convulsant, but it's working and that's what I

I struggle daily even still with the noise levels in my home when the TV is on or when we have company that is too loud.   But I love the company, so I wear ear plugs and hubby is wearing a headset to watch tv so it's all good.

Next week will be busy with a visit to the concussion clinic, a new pcp, an orthopedist and speech therapy. I will need to call my LTD people; the manager of the ED at the hospital I went to on Monday; the company helping me with my disability claim.  ugh.  I hope I remember it all, or at least remember to come here.

I didn't realize one could fall in love so quickly until I met Bella.   She saved me from sliding into what was sure to become a deep depression.

I am on my way back.

I Slipped in the Mud...Another Fall

OMG.. I fell in the mud outside my house. I was trying to avoid the mud and was walking in the street. Apparently, I didn't do a good job because down I went, onto my knee and slid in the mud.   I had just got dressed to go to my son's house for the super bowl, which I really don't care about anyway.   I just wanted to stay home after that.

My puppy ran to the house thankfully as she is not microchipped yet.

I struggled for about 5 minutes to get up. No help from inside even though the dog was barking.

This is getting really old!  I did not hit my head.

I Am Blessed

Having a traumatic brain injury is no fun.  People cannot see the injury within me and they believe I am well.  I am not well.

Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, I realize I have forgotten what you've already said.   The harder my brain attempts to remember the beginning of the conversation, the further behind in the conversation I get. I feel 2 steps or more behind in every conversation I have.  Then, if I want to ask a question, about the conversation, I am likely to ask it out of context as I'm asking about something that was said 3 minutes ago in the conversation.  This is very trying for me.

I feel so very blessed to have the medical help I need and the family I have to help me through all of this.   Some people I've talked to do not have either and my heart goes out to them because this is not a journey you want to take alone.  

I am slowly making progress. I can see this when I help my granddaughter with her homework, or when I make plans for the day.  

I take 4 steps forward and 2 steps back most days.  But I'm still moving forward and that is all that counts.

I am blessed and I know it and am  exceedingly grateful for it.  

Physical Therapy, Speech Therapy, Head Therapy , Oh My!

I was up and out early this morning for an early morning speech therapy appointment.   There I did yet another test for them to indicate my memory functions.  I still scored at a 1 percentile, indicating that 99% of people my age, without head injuries or Altzheimer's remember more than I do.  This is depressing!

I received a letter from my insurance company stating that I have depression and anxiety and I should see a psychologist for it.   Hell, who wouldn't be depressed and have anxiety when they can't be in a room with a lot of people due to feeling overwhelmed, who cannot read a newspaper or even an email over 2 paragraphs before i get lost!    I still have bouts of insomnia and oversleeping.  Crazy.        I will talk to the neuro-psychologist about this whole thing.

I went to physical therapy today where they worked on my neck and shoulders. Both are extremely tight and are tender and they are using both instruments of torture and massage on them.

I've improved, but still have 6-9 months to go before I will reach what they believe will be total improvement.

I am tired.

Going to bed now. Good night world!

A New Year

2014 has finally arrived.

I am hopeful that in this new year that I will find the peace that has been escaping me since I hit my head 7 months ago.

I am exhausted and am not getting the sleep I need. I can't fall asleep.   If I take too much Melatonin, I can't wake up.

I have a new puppy and she's been the absolute joy of my days lately.  She's adding to the lack of sleep, but that I don't mind...as she's adding to the joy I have in my life too.  


I can't get through the obamacare website without issues and they're not MY issues.

I am cursing a lot these days.

I am sitting here so exhausted and my hubby just went to bed no more than 5 minutes ago, and he's already snoring away.   I get so angry at him for that.  And that is ridiculous!   I have been envious of that, but never angry. Now I am so angry he can sleep and I can't.

I am walking in a fog from which at times I see no escape.  My body is aching so much these days and I'm not sure why.  It's not the flu.  I think it could be from walking on the ice and frozen ground so much with the puppy.

I need to see a new pcp on Wednesday and let him know what symptoms I am having so he can send a letter to my LTD insurance company.

I want to continue listing symptoms from time to time so I can see where I've improved.  I am having the following issues now:

• Short term memory loss
• Trouble comprehending all that I read
• Making impulsive purchases
• Cursing to myself a lot
• Agitated
• Trouble finding the words I want to say
• Trouble communicating and making myself understood
•  Sometimes I get so agitated I can't settle down
• I get very angry at times at things that would have been only a minor annoyance (website)
• Feelings of anxiety - feeling vague fear, worry, feel like I will never get well again.
• Feeling down (depression?)
• Feel out of sorts at ti mes
• Have a hard time getting started on projects 
• Everything feels like an effort
• I feel unsure of myself at times....that I can do things I used to do without thinking.
• I sometimes feel like I'm having an out of body experience...like I'm watching myself on the big screen
• I feel guilty about being injured and having the financial strain on my family.  
• I can be exceedingly impatient and irritable
• I sometimes do not want to talk to or with anyone
• I feel lonely
• I feel nervous at times when I'm out of the house.  As if I'm afraid to be alone.
• I have had what feels like panic attacks at times....especially when I've been under a lot of stress (website)
• When I have these panic attacks, I feel tearful and will cry.
• I sometimes have rapid mood swings
• I feel like I can't get moving and I am stuck
• Feel like I can't get anything done, so I get angry with myself
• I can't read books and remember what I've read
• I have facial recognition problems
• I can't remember how to use Word, Excel, Access. I do remember PowerPoint tho.
• It takes me awhile to make a decision
• My analytical skills are suffering
• I am easily distracted (shiny thing)
• Can't remember discussions
• Nightmares are awful about family members
• At times  I worry about things that won't happen, but I am sure they will.
• My hubby has said he'd help me...but I think he has memory issues too.
• Headaches/migraines
• Stabbing pain in temple (left)
• Ears ringing constantly
• lots of pain in my body... like I have the flu
• Light and sound sensitivity
• Joint pain/stiffness
• Neck pain...and along the base of my skull, tender spots
• I feel weaker at times....like it's harder to carry milk and groceries. 
• I despise the fact that I am so aware of these things.
• 
  

Body Aches and Brain Fog

My son and his wife bought me a puppy for Christmas!  I had planned on getting my puppy in April, but they surprised me with her for Christmas.

My brain has become fogged as I have not been getting much sleep with the puppy in the house, but today, finally, I got 4 straight hours sleep and I feel a bit better.  My hubby will be helping with the puppy tomorrow night.

My body is aching because I'm walking on frozen dirt and snow.   But it's good too because I'm becoming active again.  Just what the doctor ordered.

I need to remember my need for sleep, quiet and relaxation.  I also need to remember not to leave my sunglasses at my son's house!   OMG...it was horrendous today without my sunglasses when I was out getting the puppy some supplies.

I'm finally getting tired again at 5:32 a.m. here.   I didn't get much sleep yet and will need to sleep for several hours this morning.   This should be interesting! :)

My puppy, Bella, will be the world's best therapy dog this time next year and I should have a much better functioning brain!

Merry Christmas.

Speech Therapy Consult Today

12.23.13

I had my speech therapy consult today.  This is to help me with the memory, cognitive and attention issues I am having.

I took a test similar to the neuro-psychological test I took on November 11.   The results were based on how I scored for people in my age range who did not have a brain injury.  People my age should score between 85-110 for each  area. My scoring is as follows from this testing:

Immediate memory:  I scored 69.  This was the same as 2% of those tested (98% had better scores than I did).

Visual spatial memory:  I scored 69.  This was the same as 2% of those tested (98% had better scores than I did).

Language Memory Skills (name this picture...name the animals in a zoo) : I scored 96 or 'average'.   39%

Attention:  (Sometimes memory issues are actually attention issues - possibly I am not paying close attention to things that I am forgetting)    I scored  56 or 0.2%.  That means 99.8% score higher than me.

Delayed Memory - I scored 48 or > 0.1 .  100% scored better than me.

It has been recommended that I have cognitive therapy 2 times a week.  They will work with me on strategies to determine my strengths and weaknesses and work on the weaknesses.

The speech therapist told me that they will work with me to accept my new 'normal' for now and what it may be in the future.

ha!  She doesn't know me well yet.   This problem is big, but my God is bigger and I will get through this to the other side and be stronger than ever.

I came home after the testing and slept for 4 hours. It's amazing how tired the brain gets and how quickly it gets that way!

Christmas is Coming! Christmas is Coming!

12.20.13

Today has been an exhausting day. I'm slipping into the exhaustion cycle again.   I can't get enough sleep.

Last night I went to sleep at 12:00 a.m.  At 4:00 a.m., after tossing and turning; listening to music;  praying and meditating; and using heating pads on my body to calm down, I gave up and got up.  I had some granola and yogurt, then at 6:00 a.m. took some benadryl and went to sleep until 11:30 a.m.

Got up, had something to eat and then did a few things around the house, and lay down again at 3:00 p.m. as I suddenly felt exhausted and I woke at 7:30 p.m.  

I had something to eat again and am really struggling now at 10:23 p.m. to stay awake until at least 11:00 p.m.  Will take the Melatonin at 11.

I am really struggling with emotions.  I began crying while watching an episode of Bones about 9/11.    I get angry and frustrated easily which starts the back of my head, at the base of my neck hurting.

And Christmas is almost here. I did all the Christmas shopping online this year.

I am looking forward to Christmas and the new year.  I am buying my puppy in 2014, probably in March. I can't wait!!!  I will train her to be a therapy dog!!!

Hoping to get this growing headache under control. I've been online for about 22 minutes. Time to get offline.

Where is My Filter?

12/13/13

We went to Kohls today to get hubby some snow boots.

Any store at Christmas time is not a good idea for someone with  PCS.

I had my sunglasses on and ear plugs in my ears and still I was overwhelmed in the store with the loud Christmas music and crowds.  But here's the thing...it wasn't really that crowded and I usually love the Christmas music....but this time it was so irritating I wanted to cry.

Because I wanted to get out of there quickly, I was helping hubby look for his boots...he needs extra wide boots.  He just kept saying "so where are the wide boots?" and "I can't find anything".  He said this while just pretty much standing in one spot.   SO irritating!

I found a pair of extra wide boots and as I was taking them off the shelf they fell out of my hands (they were very heavy to me).  I was having a problem picking them up....they were heavy. I looked over and he just standing there, 5 feet away from me, just looking at me and I lost it. "Get over here and help me!" I bellowed at him.   I heard a noise not far from me ...someone saying something (I'm sure they were calling me a bitch) and I spun around in such anger!  Luckily they were walking away from me.   Hubby did come and get the boots.

I was horrified at my yelling at him.  I've never, ever done that in public before (and very rarely in private).  I felt so angry and helpless and over stimulated even though I had on my sunglasses and ear plugs.  Truth was I was exhausted and probably should not have gone out.  

I do not like this at all.   I feel like I am becoming this shrew at times and no one deserves to be yelled at like that, ever.   I apologized several times when we were in the car and again when we came home.  Hubby says he understands it's because of the PCS.   I feel really guilty about doing that.

I will talk to the neuropsychologist about this at my next appointment.